Healing is messy business. There is no "right" way to heal and different things work for different people. But, throughout my journey of healing personally, and my experience working in healing spaces, I have noticed a theme that is cyclical for women working through a healing journey of their own.
These three reasons women are getting stuck in a rut and not healing, can bring light to what part of the cycle you might be working through, and will provide some suggestions on how to break free from the cycle and create the space you need to heal yourself.
Over the last couple of years I have done ALOT of community based work. Whether I was offering services as a volunteer or on trade for other services, I worked in many types of groups, most often being predominately women. As The Matriarch Collaborative, I have an interest, most specifically in helping women heal, and helping support women in taking back their power so they can take responsibility for their own health and wellbeing through self-care. When I started in this work in 2018, I knew the barriers I had faced, but it wasn't until I started working in community with women that I recognized the cyclical barriers that women are faced with in taking control over their health.
All of these illnesses mentioned can be treated therapeutically by reducing our stress and incorporating practices that promote a sense of wellness. By recognizing these three things, you can start to understand your triggers or behaviors when activated in one of the three reasons, and find ways to move past those feelings to heal the cycle.
Boundary Setting
Probably as a result of a societal construct and idea that has been accepted over time, women have a really difficult time telling people "no." Especially as a healer or an empath, we have a hard time setting the lines we need to not induce burn-out and we tend towards needing to help everyone else to feel a sense of worth. I'm going to hold your hand while I say this, but, "telling people "no", should help preserve the relationship, not end it."
If you are avoiding setting a boundary because you are worried you may lose the relationship by establishing your own needs, than you shouldn't be entertaining that relationship to begin with. Your healing must always be a priority.
In a stage of healing, and learning to set boundaries, or revisiting relationships that
have lacked boundaries up until now, it might cause you to question, "who really is the problem here?" In my seasons of self-worth and self-care, I have felt as if I was constantly cutting people off and removing them from my life. Am I the problem? In talking with my therapist, I have learned that understanding why I continue to choose people who are not good for me is the better question. Just because someone may not be for you, doesn't mean they are a bad person. But, you can almost bet that if a person is responding negatively to your needs or boundaries because it's not serving them, that the relationship was most likely built to serve only one person, and that is not a safe space for you to grow or recover.
Removing Guilt
We are overridden with guilt as women, especially if we are mothers. How dare you ever being doing anything that isn't serving your children! We are far beyond the days were women are only serving their own homes, so let's stop imposing guilt on the working, passionate or social moms. This innate guilt we all have has been handed down over generations. Our mothers, grandmothers, mother-in-laws, sisters, daughters and friends all have done it. When you have taken that one hour for yourself and received the side-eye from a friend who hasn't started setting healthy boundaries in
their lives, that time you hired a professional cleaning company for your home and received the disapproval from your mother-in-law, or that time you needed a sitter, just for a couple hours and received a lecture from your mother are all examples of how this guilt is passed from one generation, to the next. We can't genuinely ask each other for help without carrying a burden behind it.
When you see what it's like pouring from a cup that is full, vs. always providing based on guilt or pressure, you can start to heal the guilt ridden parts of yourself. Think about it. If you do this favor for your sister from a place of guilt, and you are overridden with negative emotion when you provide support, that energy is carried over. When you have taken the time for yourself that you need and invested into your own personal health and wellbeing, you can provide from a space of gratitude, because you feel that energy within you as you are giving.
Giving to others is a beautiful thing, but only if you have given to yourself and have the space for it. Otherwise, you are just handing down those guilt ridden feelings to others through your work. Scheduling time for yourself and sticking to holding that intentional space for yourself make the difference in healing this guilt. For you, and everyone around you.
Recognizing the time and place for competition.
As a sports mom and entrepreneur, I have had to humbly learn the time and place for competition. As a spiritual teacher and wellness coach, I want to see every single woman I work with succeed. One part of this whole experience that has been really disheartening for me, has been to work with women that feel a sense of entitlement and scarcity in relationship to their professional practice. I find this most often in the women who are not working through 1. Boundaries and 2. Guilt. And, this is where the cycle begins.
Because no boundaries are being set within ourselves and our relationships to create time for ourselves, we aren't working through our guilt. And then our guilt gets projected on to those around us, recycling guilt energy and creating competitive and entitled environments. Suddenly, we feel like something is being take from us, because we aren't giving to ourselves in an authentic way. We start to make excuses and push on continuing the cycle, because, that's what we know. Now, we are stuck in a rut of feeling gross and being gross and what's really being accomplished then?
Healing the Cycle
Showing up as the best version of ourselves, so we can be the best mom, and the best business owner, and the best whatever....requires you honoring yourself FIRST. Regardless of how it might make everyone show up in their co-dependence or guilt. Co-dependency is not a four letter word. It is a learned behavior for women who have always put others above themselves. Break the cycle and create the space you need to heal so you can take your power back in health.
Managing pain, whether it be physical or emotional cannot be left to avoidance and you creating the space you need, guilt-free is a game changer in achieving more gratitude in your service and showing up the best you can each day.
If you are interested in diving deeper to learning about self-care and healing, sign up for our upcoming Reiki I & The Subtle Body training. This one day live event and Reiki I placement with also give you access to our 10-Week Online Self-paced course, The Subtle Body. Through the course, you will learn ways to identify your emotional body and where you might be experiencing blockages or hinderance to wellness. This course is usually $55/month for three months, but you will get it for FREE by joining our live event and Reiki I placement and training on April 13th.
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